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I knew the sex talk would be coming, but I had hoped I could put it off for a couple of years. When in the car this afternoon, Spencer asked me, “Dad, does sex hurt,” I about drove off the road.

Once I regained my composure, my next thought was, “only if it’s good and nasty,” but I knew I could not say such a thing to a curious nine year old. I was flummoxed over how to respond.

“Why do you ask?” I croaked.

“Oh, because on Total Drama Island Gwen and Duncan were talking about it,” he innocently said.

A TV show had something about it in the dialogue. I wasn’t sure if I felt relieved, or angry that a kid’s show would bring up such a topic.

I asked Spencer what was said on the TV show and he regaled me with a review of the whole episode. It had nothing, really, to do with sex, but the innuendo in the dialogue from one scene was intended for adults. I guessed, to keep the parents engaged in the cartoon rather than changing the station to CNN. It was apparent that Spencer had no idea what sex was.

“What’s sex, Dad?” he then asked.

I took in a breath, and slowly let it out. I definitely was not prepared to discuss it while driving on the 99 – if ever.

I viewed myself as the enlightened parent: willing to openly and honestly discuss topics such as sex with my child. However, I didn’t expect it to be so difficult. I wanted to word my response in such a way as to answer his question, but also not to create more questions, or to instill in him a desire to experiment – especially at his age. Visions of my fifth grader at the pharmacy asking for condoms, while the pharmacist with his disapproving stare, thinks the boy’s father is a horrible example of a parent, produced a pain in the back of my eyeballs.

“Well, you know how the flowers have pollen and it takes two flowers to make a plant seed?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Well, uh, animals kind of do the same thing. A male animal and a female animal get together and make a baby. The act of making a baby, is called sex. Understand?” I said.

“Not really,” he said.

“Um…uh, well you see…“ I stammered. I was lost. Once we got home, I was so getting online and find out how to talk about this properly. However, in the mean time, I didn’t want to shut the boy down due to my own timidity addressing his questions.

“How do I say this?” I said out loud against my wishes.

“Can we go see that new movie this Friday?” Spencer asked, perhaps I thought, sensing my own unease at discussing such a thing with him.

Usually, I would try to return Spencer to topic so I could gain closure on our discussion. But, this time, I was more than happy to let it go.

“Absolutely,” I said. “And, we can have pizza before the movie. Would you like that?”

“Sure. I think the movie looks funny,” he said.

I felt I dodged a bullet that afternoon. Once home, I did go online. And, I found something better than talking points: Children’s Hospital has a session for tweeners and their parents to discuss upcoming adolescence.

I signed us up for the session in November. I just hope he does not shoot that bullet at me again, at least until after the Children’s Hospital session – that, I hope, will provide me with some anti-freakout tools when the subject comes up again.

First week of school: new teacher, new class, and new homework. I have to admit, I do not look forward to the battles to get Spencer to do his homework, especially the reading assignments.

Spencer’s school focuses on improving reading skills of the students, and consequently, every class from first grade to fifth, requires daily reading at home by the students. By fifth grade, the minimum is 30 minutes a day.

Last year, Spencer’s teacher disallowed comic books, magazines, etc. The only acceptable books were what they call ‘chapter’ books. I thought most books had chapters. Well, what do I know about the lexicon of public education?

Apparently, a chapter book is a book sans pictures or illustrations, i.e. only words. Well, Spencer acted as if it was a prison sentence everyday when I pushed him to do his reading assignment. “But, there is only words in this book,” he would complain. Ms. Sharkly had to approve each book the children in her class were to read and that meant no Captain Underpants or Spiderman or Fantastic Four.

What it did mean was nine months of pushing and cajoling and arguing every day.

Those last few months of the school year, Spencer referred to his teacher as Ms. Meany, especially when I prompted him to read his ‘chapter’ book. Not because she was mean, but because she held the kids accountable for doing their work, including the reading assignment for ‘chapter’ books.

The first day of school this year, Spencer bounded home exalting praises for his new teacher. She said the children can read anything they want, as long as it is 30 minutes a day. I asked if that meant Spiderman comic books, too. “Comic books, magazines, Captain Underpants, anything,” Spencer told me with a smile.

I am not sure how reading DC comics will help him improve his reading skills, but I am relieved I won’t have to wrangle with him to read each day. I guess this means we will be taking a trip to the comic book store.

It was sunny and warm and I wanted to go outside. I asked Spencer, and he said he just wanted to stay inside – as he had been all day. I suggested tennis, or playing catch, or basketball, or anything outside. He didn’t even look up from his Nintendo DS to reply, “I just wanna stay in.”

I recalled when I was a child, especially in the summer, I couldn’t wait to get outside to ride my bike, dig in dirt, play with trucks, and, yes, blow up plastic army men. I would frequently join the ‘gang’ of children from my street to go explore the neighborhood, play basketball, tag, hide and seek. What is wrong with my child? Or, am I just remembering my childhood differently.

My consternation was relieved a bit after reading the article by Meagan Frances, “How to Get Kids Outdoors.” I say relieved only a bit, because, while she writes my child isn’t alone in his aversion to the outdoors, she did say I, as a parent, will have to put more effort into persuading my son to go outside. Just what I want, more work as a parent. I’m not lazy, it’s just that it takes a lot of work already trying to be a good parent. And, this is just one more thing to be piled on.

Frances writes about the reasons kids are inside more today than when she was a child. She also provides some solutions. I found that most of her solutions are unworkable in my situation. I live in an apartment in the city. I don’t have a backyard to customize for Spencer. Also, there isn’t a lot of kids his age in the neighborhood. So, enlisting the ‘village’, to help watch the kids play in the front yards of our street, just doesn’t work out. And, while I do take him camping several times a year, it doesn’t seem to have changed his desire to go outside, or rather, his desire to stay inside.

But, I will try some of Frances’ ideas, albeit modified somewhat. I will try to arrange play dates to occur at parks, rather than inside. And, maybe I will supplement weekend camping with day (or partial day) hikes. I can hear his moaning already.

Other than firmly stating, “we’re going outside and leave your Nintendo in the apartment,” (over Spencer’s protests), I want more ideas that may help me get him off the couch. But, I do prefer ideas that don’t require me to be a community organizer.

Comment with your thoughts?

Ok, don’t laugh, for I found this PBS site, Understanding and Raising Boys, full of useful articles. I think it is a great website from PBS with a lot of good information.

It’s tough being a boy in America today. The PBS Parents Guide to Raising Boys will help you understand what it’s like. Discover how to help your boy feel confident, succeed in school, and grow up resilient and responsible

The most pertinent to me was the section on Boys in School. I fretted that Spencer always seemed more challenged in school than the other kids in his class (mostly the girls). Turned out it wasn’t just me. At his age, there is a general discrepancy between boys and girls in school and their ability to do school work. The articles helped me to breath easier.

For example, the opening page for the school section points out there are more boy “geniuses” in school but, also more dropouts. Subsequent articles follow up with determining how to recognize a problem and ideas for helping one’s own son, including a piece on Practical Strategies.

I have the link to the PBS Parents home page in my blogroll. The Raising Boys section is under their “Issues and Advice” menu tab.

When Spencer was a pre-schooler, correcting undesired behavior could be a challenge. I read several books on ‘discipline’ and time-outs. But, the methods didn’t work as described. I especially remember time-outs not working at all. He hated time-outs. He would cry incessantly or worse. Sometimes he would go on a tirade and become a tornado in his room, throwing stuffed animals, ripping the sheets off his bed, and yanking all his clothes out of his dresser.

I was extremely worried. Either I was doing this time-out thing incorrectly or I had a psychopath on my hands. I refused to believe the latter, so I must have been executing the time-outs wrong. Or, so I thought.

Then I read Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book, Raising Your Spirited Child, and I was very relieved. It wasn’t me! And, Spencer wasn’t a crazed child. He was, as she states, “spirited”. She says that what distinguishes a spirited child from other kids is that they are more. More intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change; what people used to call a “difficult” child.

As I read the book, many of the ways Kucinka described a spirited child fit with what I was experiencing. And, it provided me solace to know I wasn’t alone or crazy or a horrible parent. From his incredible sensitivity about the way his clothes felt to him (yes, he could feel the seams of his socks and they really bothered him) to his intense dislike of change, Spencer fit her description.

The book helped me identify tactics to make it easier raising Spencer, and how to better deal with his intensity and sensitivities. But, the biggest help was just providing me understanding about my spirited child’s ways and thought process.

At times I still feel overwhelmed at his sensitive intensity, but I keep referring back to this book to help me gain the proper perspective. I especially find her line on page 11 consoling: “Send him to his room for a ‘time out’ and he is liable to tear it apart.”

Click on the image and you can read other reviews, or purchase it, from the Nubze Store.

Spencer was always asking me to buy him some cheap trinket whenever we went into a store. I was getting so tired of saying “No” (or, wincing when I said, “uh, ok”). I decided it was time for him to get an allowance. My primary reason was so I could tell him he could use his own money to buy that damn trinket.

After that decision, I realized I didn’t want him to just have his hand out each Saturday. I wanted to use the allowance as a ‘teaching moment’ and for him to learn the value of a dollar, or in this case, five dollars. So, I tied the allowance to his chores.

“This is a big step for you. You’re getting older,” I told him. And, I proceeded to explain the importance of contributing to the household and the subsequent reward for a job well done.

By the nodding of his head, and the expression on his happy face, it was evident that all he heard was: “five dollars each week to buy any trinket you want.”

Chores? What are those?

I recognized I needed to devise a way to hold him accountable to his half of the deal. I came up with the Allowance Worksheet (image in upper left). Each week I print a clean copy and post it on the refrigerator. Each day, Spencer is supposed to check-off the chores he performed. At the end of the week, if sufficiently full of check marks, I give him his allowance. If not, surprisingly, he gets the idea of pay for work and is understanding when he doesn’t receive the full amount. I have to admit, I’ve never had the heart to give him nothing. There are even work items he can perform to earn extra money. He really hones in on doing those activities when a new Bakugan or Lego kit is advertised on the Cartoon Network.

Feel free to click on the image and download the Excel file for your own use. In the worksheet, simply change the chore names to meet your household needs. The dates for the days across the top are calculated from the date you entered in the left most cell. Worksheet provided AS-IS, with no warranty expressed or implied. By downloading you agree to use for your own personal use and not to resell….blah, blah, blah. Lawyer made me put in the legalize. Sorry.

By providing Spencer allowance, I don’t hear, “Dad, can you buy this for me?” anymore. Now it’s, “Dad, can I borrow against my allowance to buy this?”. He’ll make a good American consumer.

Spencer was on a rustic out of town trip with his mother (my ex-wife) and some of her friends. They were away from any computer or Internet access.

Recently, he had become enthralled with these stuffed animals called Webkinz. But, he is not interested in the plush toy; he is interested in the website for the virtual care and feeding of the digital version of the ‘pet’ and, of course, the games.

One of the aspects of their marketing program is for the child to login on a daily basis in order to keep the child’s webkinz alive and happy. The child is also eligible for virtual prizes each day they login – the hook to get a million nine year olds onto the website each day.

So, without Internet access, and my son wanting to perform his daily Webkinz chores, I get a call at 10:00 PM. He is frantically telling me to get online and ‘feed’ his Webkinz. This wouldn’t have been a big problem except for the lovely woman sitting on my sofa holding a glass of wine and a suggestive smile.

Get lucky or help my son out of his panicked state. It was a tough choice.

I excused myself for a moment and went to the room where my computer was located. Hopefully, I could have both if this Webkinz thing only take a few minutes.

Well, 45 minutes later I am still on the phone with my son, working on the Webkinz site. Turns out his mother bought him five more Webkinz the previous week. It sure takes awhile to ‘feed’ that many virtual critters. I was almost done, when I turned to see the lovely woman standing in the doorway of the room. However, her facial expression was suggesting something I’m not sure I wanted to do to myself.

“You leave me out in your front room for an hour so you can play children’s video games. What kind of sicko are you?” (Well, she didn’t really say that, but it was implied.)

Before I could respond, she turns and disappears.

“Who was that, Dad,” my son asks me over the phone. I then hear my front door slam.

“Oh, it is just the TV. Okay Buddy, I think we’re all done with taking care of your Webkinz. Good night,” I said.

“ Thanks, Dad.” Spencer replied with a sigh of relief. “Love you. Good night and I can’t wait to see you on Sunday,” he continued in a happy voice.

Who was it that said, ‘I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy’? Well, I’m not sure how it applied in this situation, but for some reason, that’s the quote I thought of as I went to look in Spencer’s empty room. My son hung up the phone just as I was saying, “I can’t wait either.”

I just finished reading The Hair-Raising Joys of Raising Boys by Dave Meurer. It was published originally in 1999, and enjoyed its seventh print in 2007. If you can over-look the Christian references, the book is a smart and funny look at those crazy things boys do. And, since all fathers were boys at some point in the past (some argue, men remain boys, just in bigger bodies), we find the humor in, and relate to, the way our sons think and act – much to the disapproval of their mothers. I enjoyed the book because Meurer’s anecdotes made me feel like I wasn’t the only father that: a) had a son who does stupid things; and, b) does stupid things himself.

The chapter on boys pretending to understand what you are saying as they wait for you to finally shut up so they can go play, is priceless. I say that only because it happens to me all the time. And, the chapter on camping with boys is spot on as he discusses that boys+dirt+wildlife+mosquito spray = mayhem. Even though I don’t fish, I totally relate to his discussion of his boys throwing rocks in the water. Spencer likes to do that, as well as hurl them at trees, squirrels, whatever, right at the same time I want to take in the quiet beauty of nature. In a future post I will share about the time I found big holes dug in the dirt all about the campsite as a result of Spencer’s and his friends’ search for gold.

Click on the image of the book to read more reviews or to order. It’s only six bucks, and I think it is money well spent.